Archive for November, 2009

Industry Sales Executive discovers “suspect individual” hiding in Cab

Last weekend in Orlando FL, Brandon Siemion, Sales Director for Philips CK, was surprised by a discovery made while taking a taxi. Mr Siemion was in the taxi with partners from LED Source during LDI when he spotted someone laying in the back seat of the MiniVan Taxi run by a lovely lady called “Star”. The photo taken below was following a long struggle and with the intruder safely in handcuffs. Brandon wanted to remind everyone “this is big, REALLY big…”.

Later, Brandon said “I had no idea what was going on. I was afraid for the safety of my customer, so I did what any macho self-righteous sales director would do, and took matters into my own hands!”. Mr Siemion wrestled the subject to the floor using a combination of Martial Arts, and drunk street fighting techniques… plus a little Hair Pulling. “He put up quite a fight, but in the end I was able to over power the perpetrator with my shear strength and determination to control the situation” said Mr Big, Brandon Siemion.

Later, under interrogation from local authorities, when asked why he was so angry, Brandon responded “You just don’t understand. I am completely disgusted by what I saw. The Chinese LED products lighting this taxi were so frightening I just couldn’t stand it!!!”.

Once again, LouMan News was there to get the story… and remains the man on the scene.

Love, LouMan!

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Elvis Sighting in Orlando

Breaking news: Yesterday, in Orlando Florida, the King himself was absolutely positively identified coming out of hiding.

Yes, Elvis was spotted exiting a Taxi at the Rosen Center hotel, then again throughout the night, made sneak appearances at both the Rosen and Peabody Bars.

One bartender who’s name was held for privacy purposes said “I couldn’t believe it when I first saw Elvis appear at my bar. I remember the last time I saw him – and it was at this very bar exactly 2 years ago. It’s an unbelievable coincidence to see him here again!”.

One bar patron who was lucky enough to be on the scene said “That Elvis is quite a card” which tells us that many laughs were had by all.

It has been suggested that an Elvis appearance in the old days would pack any venue. Nothing has changed in that department as witnesses remarked “It was really incredible. As soon as Elvis appeared, the bar was packed. The strange thing was that it was mostly degenerates who we don’t expect to see in this type of establishment most nights”.

We were able to track down Elvis’s handler who promised “Elvis will return to several drinking establishments in the area over the next few nights and I promise to bring smiles to all who join him!

In related news, LED Source Client and UK partner, Gordon Addison has also been seen roaming the halls of the Rosen and Peabody bars. Coincidence?

That’s all for now from the LouMan Newsroom in Sunny West Palm Beach, FL.

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Record Breaking LED Lamp Revealed

Today, our friends at LED Source reveal a new LED Lamp with unprecedented spec’s. The New Illudium Q-36 ESM lamp. Shown here installing one in our office, LouMan had this to say.

LouMan on Ladder

LouMan installs another Illudium Q-36

“I am completely in love with this new Illudium Q-36 ESM lamp. In fact, Incandescent and Fluorescent lighting are very wasteful, and waste makes me very angry, very angry indeed. I am certain that once the world sees this new technology, especially our competitors in the Fluorescent and Incandescent worlds¬† there will most certainly be an earth-shattering kaboom!”

This record setting lamp carries an efficacy rating of 2,000,000 lumens per watt and using only 7 watts, produces an astonishing 14,000,000 lumens. The company has run several independent tests in their own office using the cheapest possible light meters, and can 100% confirm these findings.

The Q-36 will begin shipping in 2014 just in time for the phase out of Incandescent lighting technology. By that time, the company feels like it’ll be able to actually make good on these crazy claims, and deliver a lamp with these spec’s, once again measured CAREFULLY on our highest quality $9.99 iPhone app Light Meter. “We hope to make our own version of earth-shattering kaboom with the release of this technology” says an insider at LED Source.

To get your own Illudium Q-36 ESM lamp please contact LED source. In fact, Timm Stifter in our sales department is an expert on the technology, and will be happy to discuss it with you until the cows come home!

For more information on LED Source product launches, remember to keep your eyes peeled on LouManNews.com. Your source for a whole ton of useless, nonsensical information!

Bye For Now

Lou-Man-face

"LouMan"

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LDI Postponed until further notice

In breaking news, Penton Media has cancelled LDI this year as a result of the show being sold to foreign buyers. The Yee family from Guangzhou China has purchased the show in trade for a small stake in a factory making LED Urinal lamps.

The Yee family registered several patents on LED Urinal lamps in 2006 when it was determined that the LED’s improved their aim by 35% and saved 27 seconds on each bathroom break. Over the period of a year, the Yee’s calculated a per employee savings of 7.6 hours or $16.52 USD. While this may not seem like much, it has allowed the Yee’s to increase their productivity and raise profitability by 6% over prior years.LDI

LDI has been running for 21 consecutive years starting in Dallas November 1988. According to an anonymous source at Penton, It was time to move on. “Everyone know’s we’re milking it at this point, and the show is half as good as it used to be. Face it – we stink”. While we agree that some past shows were quite excellent, the parties entertaining, and the overall quality of the show seemed higher back in the day, you gotta admit – it’s still fun!

From China, company founder Wii Yee had this to say; “We are very impressed by LDI’s ability to make so much money with so few exhibitors and also really stick it to the companies who are most loyal. Here at Yee Pee Industries, we appreciate this ability to¬† stretch a dollar over as many dead bodies as possible”.

In place of LDI, Yee Pee Industries has staged a massive demonstration of drunk people who Yee will strategically place in positions throughout the Peabody Lobby Bar on the evenings of November 19th, 20th and 21st. Using these drunk people, and specially mounted video cameras in the Peabody’s urinals, Yee Pee will prove once and for all that not only do these LED Urinals improve aim, but a couple of Urban Legends will certainly drop as well.

Stay tuned for more information concerning LDI 2009. You’re man on the scene…

LouMan

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Hello world!

In case you haven’t noticed, Here I am! I am LouMan. Not to be confused with that term of lighting measurement. I am fun, smart and super cool! Ask me anything and I will gladly give you my opinion. Lets chat soon!

Signing off for now.

LouManLouMan

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