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Honey, I Shrunk the Cree Rep…

At LightFair last week our LouMan news team spotted the following very odd pairing while attending a Cree Event.

Honey I Shrunk the Cree Rep

We are told these two shared a room after the larger one used some sort of voodoo potion to downsize the other in order to make things more workable.

Once the magic spell had taken hold and the Cree Rep, a former US Military man of full size was shrunken to a mini version, the two had no trouble at all. In fact, one was able to use the pet door to enter and exit without notice while the other always showered on the Balcony as he couldn’t fit in the bathroom. The two never really did see eye to eye!

You know you can count on LouMan news for the very best stories whenever something newsworthy (or just damn funny) happens in the LED business.

Ciao for now

LoooooouuuuuuuuuMan!

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Obama Gives speech to LED Source Franchises!

President Obama took time from his busy schedule to pop in on LED Source and speak to incoming Franchisees on the economy and small business. Specifically, Obama wanted to discuss the benefits of Franchising and it’s part in the recovery of this nation.

“To each of you, I say this. By starting an LED Source franchise, you are serving this great nation very well. Selling LED lighting, you’ll be making so damn much money, I get to take a whole bunch plus, you make me look great cuz you’re distributing efficient lighting to the masses.Without you, my story I’ve been pitching to the voters would be nonsense. But now that you’re here, people can actually get this stuff!

Hey People - Here's why LED Source Works!

So Thank you LED Source franchisees. Thank you for your enthusiasm, your drive, your entrepreneurial commitment, but most of all, thank you for helping me chip away at this massive debt I’ve created with your new tax dollars!”.

The president followed up his speech with a lesson on the chalkboard. He outlined the LED Source franchise system, the company’s end customers, suppliers and then tried to make sense of the nation’s energy Utilities. “These guys over here have all the energy, but these guys over here are doing everything they can by offering all these fancy lights to reduce the consumption so our world doesn’t fall apart  – but then these guys are making billions of dollars so we want them to give some back to these customers over here…. well – you know what I mean”. We could only conclude that the president is looking for Utilities to offer rebates to buyers of energy efficient lighting, in particular, LED.

In related news, the fed’s have just approved a Gazzillion dollar stimulus package aimed at rescuing the recorded music industry. “these companies have taken a beating from all this fancy new technology in the past few years and without the record business, our country and our economy is in great danger of completely crashing. Think about all the 90 year old people. How will they get their music? Something has got to be done. Our government is not going to sit back and watch this happen. We’ve got to act swiftly to save music for our nation’s 90 year olds!” LouMan News rushed cameras out to a local retirement home and interrupted the weekly lawn darts game to discuss this issue. We asked 92 year old Wilbur Smith “Are you enthusiastic that the president is finally doing something to save music for your age group” and Wilbur answered “I don’t need no stinkin record companies, I just downloaded the entire Glenn Miller Orchestra catalog from Limewire on my MAC book Pro then pushed it over to my iPod Touch where I use a killer new App to create playlists for my homies. Now get outta my way, it’s my toss”.

Once again, thank you for following LouMan News.

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“Those Cree LED’s are Crap” says Frozen Man

Today in South Florida, news networks interviewed a French Canadian man Frozen in a Hallandale Beach apartment due to the frigid temperatures lurking in Florida for more than a week now.

The man who is here for his annual Snow Bird days in Hallandale said “I’ve never felt so cold before in my life. It’s something with these lights…. they are magic lights and don’t seem to generate enough heat to warm my home”.

It was later discovered the man’s Condo was recently renovated by its owner and the lighting was replaced with Energy Saving Cree LR6 LED’s. A side “benefit” of the LED’s is the fact that they do not generate heat and in typical Florida conditions, the LED’s will save on energy costs.

“I didn’t know what was going on with these lights. They don’t even feel like they are on. I hate these LED lights” said Jean Pierre Claude from Montreal Canada. “How am I supposed to stay warm”?

Cree is currently working on the new LR6 FV. This model will use small incandescent warmers and micro fan technology to please those people who want their lights hot!

As always, thanks for following.

Love, LouMan.

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Industry Sales Executive discovers “suspect individual” hiding in Cab

Last weekend in Orlando FL, Brandon Siemion, Sales Director for Philips CK, was surprised by a discovery made while taking a taxi. Mr Siemion was in the taxi with partners from LED Source during LDI when he spotted someone laying in the back seat of the MiniVan Taxi run by a lovely lady called “Star”. The photo taken below was following a long struggle and with the intruder safely in handcuffs. Brandon wanted to remind everyone “this is big, REALLY big…”.

Later, Brandon said “I had no idea what was going on. I was afraid for the safety of my customer, so I did what any macho self-righteous sales director would do, and took matters into my own hands!”. Mr Siemion wrestled the subject to the floor using a combination of Martial Arts, and drunk street fighting techniques… plus a little Hair Pulling. “He put up quite a fight, but in the end I was able to over power the perpetrator with my shear strength and determination to control the situation” said Mr Big, Brandon Siemion.

Later, under interrogation from local authorities, when asked why he was so angry, Brandon responded “You just don’t understand. I am completely disgusted by what I saw. The Chinese LED products lighting this taxi were so frightening I just couldn’t stand it!!!”.

Once again, LouMan News was there to get the story… and remains the man on the scene.

Love, LouMan!

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Elvis Sighting in Orlando

Breaking news: Yesterday, in Orlando Florida, the King himself was absolutely positively identified coming out of hiding.

Yes, Elvis was spotted exiting a Taxi at the Rosen Center hotel, then again throughout the night, made sneak appearances at both the Rosen and Peabody Bars.

One bartender who’s name was held for privacy purposes said “I couldn’t believe it when I first saw Elvis appear at my bar. I remember the last time I saw him – and it was at this very bar exactly 2 years ago. It’s an unbelievable coincidence to see him here again!”.

One bar patron who was lucky enough to be on the scene said “That Elvis is quite a card” which tells us that many laughs were had by all.

It has been suggested that an Elvis appearance in the old days would pack any venue. Nothing has changed in that department as witnesses remarked “It was really incredible. As soon as Elvis appeared, the bar was packed. The strange thing was that it was mostly degenerates who we don’t expect to see in this type of establishment most nights”.

We were able to track down Elvis’s handler who promised “Elvis will return to several drinking establishments in the area over the next few nights and I promise to bring smiles to all who join him!

In related news, LED Source Client and UK partner, Gordon Addison has also been seen roaming the halls of the Rosen and Peabody bars. Coincidence?

That’s all for now from the LouMan Newsroom in Sunny West Palm Beach, FL.

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Record Breaking LED Lamp Revealed

Today, our friends at LED Source reveal a new LED Lamp with unprecedented spec’s. The New Illudium Q-36 ESM lamp. Shown here installing one in our office, LouMan had this to say.

LouMan on Ladder

LouMan installs another Illudium Q-36

“I am completely in love with this new Illudium Q-36 ESM lamp. In fact, Incandescent and Fluorescent lighting are very wasteful, and waste makes me very angry, very angry indeed. I am certain that once the world sees this new technology, especially our competitors in the Fluorescent and Incandescent worlds  there will most certainly be an earth-shattering kaboom!”

This record setting lamp carries an efficacy rating of 2,000,000 lumens per watt and using only 7 watts, produces an astonishing 14,000,000 lumens. The company has run several independent tests in their own office using the cheapest possible light meters, and can 100% confirm these findings.

The Q-36 will begin shipping in 2014 just in time for the phase out of Incandescent lighting technology. By that time, the company feels like it’ll be able to actually make good on these crazy claims, and deliver a lamp with these spec’s, once again measured CAREFULLY on our highest quality $9.99 iPhone app Light Meter. “We hope to make our own version of earth-shattering kaboom with the release of this technology” says an insider at LED Source.

To get your own Illudium Q-36 ESM lamp please contact LED source. In fact, Timm Stifter in our sales department is an expert on the technology, and will be happy to discuss it with you until the cows come home!

For more information on LED Source product launches, remember to keep your eyes peeled on LouManNews.com. Your source for a whole ton of useless, nonsensical information!

Bye For Now

Lou-Man-face

"LouMan"

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LDI Postponed until further notice

In breaking news, Penton Media has cancelled LDI this year as a result of the show being sold to foreign buyers. The Yee family from Guangzhou China has purchased the show in trade for a small stake in a factory making LED Urinal lamps.

The Yee family registered several patents on LED Urinal lamps in 2006 when it was determined that the LED’s improved their aim by 35% and saved 27 seconds on each bathroom break. Over the period of a year, the Yee’s calculated a per employee savings of 7.6 hours or $16.52 USD. While this may not seem like much, it has allowed the Yee’s to increase their productivity and raise profitability by 6% over prior years.LDI

LDI has been running for 21 consecutive years starting in Dallas November 1988. According to an anonymous source at Penton, It was time to move on. “Everyone know’s we’re milking it at this point, and the show is half as good as it used to be. Face it – we stink”. While we agree that some past shows were quite excellent, the parties entertaining, and the overall quality of the show seemed higher back in the day, you gotta admit – it’s still fun!

From China, company founder Wii Yee had this to say; “We are very impressed by LDI’s ability to make so much money with so few exhibitors and also really stick it to the companies who are most loyal. Here at Yee Pee Industries, we appreciate this ability to  stretch a dollar over as many dead bodies as possible”.

In place of LDI, Yee Pee Industries has staged a massive demonstration of drunk people who Yee will strategically place in positions throughout the Peabody Lobby Bar on the evenings of November 19th, 20th and 21st. Using these drunk people, and specially mounted video cameras in the Peabody’s urinals, Yee Pee will prove once and for all that not only do these LED Urinals improve aim, but a couple of Urban Legends will certainly drop as well.

Stay tuned for more information concerning LDI 2009. You’re man on the scene…

LouMan

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